365 Days Sober

I’ve thought a lot about what this would feel like. I ruminated on how I’d feel and who I’d be after 365 days of sobriety.

I didn’t plan on feeling panic.

A few weeks ago, I was reliving the anxiety that I felt in the very beginning- that two weeks sober panic. The time when I was asking myself if this was forever.

And somehow, just a few weeks before my one-year soberversary, I asked the same questions.

“Is this forever? Is that what we are doing here? Can we do this forever?”

I have felt so much unexpected anxiety leading up to my 1-year sober anniversary, it is straight-up stupid.

I’ve realized this: I never completely believed I’d be able to do it.

But I did.

I dreamed so many times that I forgot I was no longer a drinker and drank.

Dreams of slinging tequila.

Slumber sips of champagne.

Dreams so real I woke up vividly remembering the taste of my favorite bottle of Malbec. A Malbec I haven’t tasted for at least 365 days.

I’ve had to sit with these feelings and make a decision about what my next 365 days would look like. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit how heavily I considered if I could be a more controlled person.

A “just one glass” sort of person.

The truth is, I didn’t think I’d ever become THIS person. The one that I am right now. The woman who said “no” even when I really wanted to say “yes.”

Sobriety, one entire year of it, has changed the very core of me.

This decision to decline the drink gave me an entire year of clarity and perspective on my life.

I live with myself now.

Love myself now.

Look in the mirror and can see exactly who I am.

Because it wasn’t just about not drinking anymore. Not really.

It was a choice to finally stop running from myself.

It was a decision to fall in love with living. A choice to stop numbing. A commitment that I would never again send a drunken text message or treat my husband with loose-lipped carelessness.

I’d engage in conversations with people and remember them the next day.

I’d go to bed at night and then wake up never again feeling regret or headaches from filling my body with poison.

This year has been my very favorite year of my life. It was filled with early morning hikes, spin classes, desert adventures, early bedtimes, sunrises and sunsets, laughter, and so much love for myself.

And I got here by deciding that I would not drink today.

So, I don’t need to ask myself if this is who I am now. If this is forever…

This is who I am now. This is forever. Sobriety but also living. Loving.

Along with my decision to be sober, I decided I’d stop waiting to fall in love with living, and instead, I’d craft a life worthy of loving.

I’m so fucking obsessed with this life I’ve made. Crazy in love with this man I married. In awe of these girls, I’m raising. Unapologetically in love with who I have become.

I had to go through all of the waves of it. The brutal first three months. The summer concerts. Vacations. Date nights. Social gatherings, though admittedly, I did less of those this year. Anxiety.

I had to feel it all and then feel it again without the help of a glass or a bottle.

I don’t need to be a “just one glass” sort of person. Not when saying no to one glass has given me all of this.

And so, I say with confidence that this is forever. I know I am not a one-glass sort of person. I tried that. I failed miserably. I’m a whole-bottle sort of person, and this life I’ve made is not worth giving up for a bottle of booze.

I know it deep, and I’d be lying if I didn’t also admit there is some sadness over the nostalgia. But, I also think someday I may feel nostalgia for my first year of sobriety. The freshness of it. The clarity. The days when it felt hard but I went to bed feeling so much joy that I didn’t give in.

I think I’ll look back at the year that changed me and miss it.

So, here’s to one year and to many more years of loving and sober living.

What a fucking beautiful gift.

Related posts:

It has been more than a month since Nicolas Cruz attacked a school in Parkland, Florida killing 17 people and sparking a flame in the minds of the youth known as the Never Again movement and as the…

The research report includes specific segments by region (country), by manufacturers, by Type and by Application. Each type provides information about the production during the forecast period of…

I was to write at least three blog posts three days a week.. its one year now and i have only 5 posts. Every time my mind gets to think of the things that i was supposed to do and haven’t done it…