Growing up gay in England

The challenges of growing up gay in different countries….

In my series of interviews on how gay people grew up all over the world, I chatted with Ellen, a 38 year old about growing up as a Lesbian in Birmingham.

How easy was it to be gay in the place you grew up? Is there a gay scene?

It was super easy to be gay in Birmingham as it’s a big city in a liberal country. It was less easy to accept it within myself, but once I had my school friends and I had a plethora of gay venues to explore in Birmingham’s Gay Scene, (Hurst Street) it was easier.

The summer when I was 18 felt like an endless summer. Every night a gay bar crawl began with the excitement of meeting new people and the secrecy of running around in the night without my parents knowing where, or who I was with, then arriving home with the sunrise and all the stories to tell, then starting it all again the next day.

The gay scene in Birmingham was and still is very diverse including a lesbian bar, a leather bar, drag, dance, cheesy, and cool, it has it all. It always felt safe and so much fun.

What are the laws on LGBTQ people in your country, e.g. age of consent, same sex marriage etc?

We have equal rights to marry, have children and access services and the majority of people support these freedoms and life is great. In big cities like Birmingham LGBTQ people freely walk down the street as same sex couples or dressed in whatever they wish to express themselves. The only threat is from religious groups but hopefully over time that will change.

How old were you when you realised you were gay and when did you realise there was a whole LGBTQ world out there?

I’ve always loved women. I told my mom at the age of five about the teachers that I loved and at eight I declared my love to a girl in the street. From age 10 my lifelong affair with Belinda Carlise began. By age 14, I was being teased for loving Shannon from Home & Away. I seemed to have a thing for auburn hair growing up!

I’ve never been ‘in’ as I’ve always just been me. However, at the same time as just “being myself” there was some discomfort inside me, as adolescence grew the innocent crushes on women started to clash with all my social references and peers because everything then was about chasing boys and getting boyfriends.

I had no reference points that were lesbian either socially or on television, so realising that I felt different and was different I grew increasingly awkward and withdrew.

The drama Bad Girls and Diva Magazine were my first exposure to the LGBTQ world and again following the auburn haired theme I fell in love with Helen, I then came out as lesbian and never looked back.

When did you come out? And how did your family and friends react?

I came out when I was 17 and at that time I still had boyfriends but started having a preference for girls and a goal to find the right girl. I found my identity the challenge rather than the people around me.

I felt wrong and different inside and after my years at secondary school were I had effectively become mute and withdrawn I struggled to be confident in my self and my sexuality.

In my last year of six form that all changed, I realised or rather my friends and I realised that three out of our group were gay and that was the summer the adventures in Birminghams Hurst Street began. That then progressed to Manchester’s Canal Street and onwards to Barcelona, Berlin, Brighton, London and beyond.

The reaction of my family has been great, it was me who had the problem not them. My Mom and my sister basically always knew as it was quite obvious with my swooning over Belinda, Andrea Corr and Helen from Bad Girls, plus the checked shirts and DM boots!

Have you ever had any issues with being gay at work or out in public?

I’ve worked at excellent places where diversity was at the heart of all policy. Transport for London, various consultancies and the Energy from Waste Sector. I’ve always been out in the workplace and never had any issues socially either.

Do you have a partner? What was your longest relationship?

I have a beautiful wife and we’ve been been together for 6.5 years. I was previously married and that was my longest relationship which lasted for 11 years.

What are your views on open relationships?

People are free to choose what relationships they have. Open relationships are a gay male lifestyle choice, Lesbians tend to seek monogamy and commitment.

Do you remember what your first sexual experience was like?

Yes. But sexual experiences are private.

Do you use dating apps and can you recommend them to others?

Never. I’ve never had the need. I’ve always met people in person. The stories I hear from friends indicate that apps are not that effective and meeting someone via friends is a more successful option.

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