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Sports Ranked

With the beginning of the real sports season there comes a time where you will have to pick what sport to watch and how much time you spend watching it. You shouldn’t have to waste your valuable time watching a game on TV that isn’t entertaining and it can be difficult to assess what is worth watching or not so I’ve gone ahead and ranked sports in my personal opinion based on little information and assumptions I’ve made from whatever dumb comments people tell me from their sports watching experience.

No words really can describe how horrible baseball is to watch. Unless you still have an answer a landline phone or have a prescription for viagra there is literally no reason to watch this sport. In fact, I’m positive that more people have died watching this sport on their couch — not out of old age (which would make sense) — but out the degeneration of brain cells that ultimately would lead to a comatose state. Between games lasting anywhere from 4 to 8 hours (EIGHT FUCKING HOURS) and the utter lack of variety in gameplay, this sport is so unwatchable CSPAN receives spikes in viewership whenever ESPN7 airs the WhiteSox vs Mariners at 3:30 on a Thursday afternoon in the waiting room at SportsClips. The sport is so boring they took it out of the Olympics in 2005 (the most recent sport to be taken out since Polo in 1936) and in 2020 have been considering 3 on 3 basketball, skateboarding, Esports, and ROCKCLIMBING as more intriguing events. Nobody likes baseball, and if you do, I’m sorry your dad didn’t play catch with you more often and you should get your cholesterol checked out. Seriously.

How to Fix: Get different balls to hit and throw like a yoga ball or a bowling ball to spice up the pitching. Make some innings require the use of different bats or something. Get rid of the outs system and just shorten the game so I can watch the whole thing before I pass out.

You might be reading this and thinking: “How on earth can two of the most popular sports in America be ranked so low in what I should be watching? If everyone in the US watches it, surely it must be somewhat entertaining?”

WRONG.

American football is the most difficult to watch sport ever and is only ahead of baseball because of the Superbowl ads. That's it. The sport has 4 fifteen minute quarters yet takes over four hours to finish due to the constant ad breaks and flags and timeouts and blah blah blah blah blah. If you have ever had the “privilege” of attending an actual game you know how little football is actually played in the amount of time you spend at the stadium. No wonder fans don’t even bother going inside and tailgate in the stadium parking lot — you can get drunk for way cheaper and yell with the crowd without getting escorted out of the stadium for public intoxication. Football would have been a few spots higher except this year with the new targeting rules, penalties have been increased to almost every other play and it makes you wonder if the game is even a contact sport anymore.

Believe me, I don’t like the CTE or head-on collisions but as the sport fizzles out over the next decade or so don’t be surprised when the league just lets robots play like some sort of pseudo dogfighting ring where getting the football into the end zone is worth one point and mauling the other teams robot quarterback is worth seven. In fact that gives me an idea…

How to fix: Bring in the Robot Combat League as a crossover to make robots to replace the players and just have them fight. That's it. I think everyone will get the gritty, hard hits they so desire and can just stop pretending like they are watching the sport for the “love of the game.”

Running faster than someone else. Throwing something farther than someone else. Jumping higher than someone else. Running longer faster than someone else. We get it. You can do “x” better than that Trinidadian. Next.

How to fix: Put an American Ninja Warrior obstacle course in every event but don’t warn any of the contestants. Like, imagine a marathoner coming into the 18th mile just having to swing across a shallow pool of water in front of their hometowns entire population of 6,475. That would be neat. Still boring. But neat.

Golf ranks this high because A) They’ve figured out a way to make attending the tournaments semi-interesting and B) watching it on TV isn’t a total nightmare. Tournaments are done on a Sunday afternoon and they attract the most interesting crowds of people — dads and, … wait no that's it never mind. These hoards of 40-year-old manlets rush to every tee box where some younger, better-looking individual from South Africa or Spain is going to hit a ball farther than they ever will despite the fact that the dads will go on to play another 30 years of golf in their lifetimes. And there's something so poetic and beautiful about that image.

Golf on TV isn’t that bad either — there is action throughout the tournament thanks to the way they spread out the players on the golf course which keeps the show rolling and helps mitigate the time spent watching advertisements. The satisfying sound of the club connecting with the ball combined with the low monotoned voice of the commentators creates for the wet dream of an aspiring college dropout ASMR youtuber and is really what saves Golf from sliding down more spots on my ranking.

How to fix: Put a dad in at every national tournament to shut up the local country club when they talk about how easy golf is after claiming to shoot 3 under while simultaneously giving themselves 40 mulligans. Or just ban country clubs altogether and put golf courses in remote spots where we can lure dads like Vegas casinos only to keep them there until they can handle their carbs after 10 PM.

Vroom Vroom. That’s it. At least it doesn’t have a four left turns like NASCAR and the cars actually look cool, but it still doesn’t stop it from being incredibly boring to watch on TV. In person, its another story, yet ticket prices for these events allow only people with offshore bank accounts to actually enjoy having their wallet decimated in exchange for a few seconds of looking at a car go really really fast. F1 is so high on my ranking because of the actual danger aspect which makes it like a beautiful train wreck and the advertisements come plastered onto the cars and not all the way on your TV screen. Plus, there are only like 3 races anyone sane cares about so it's not that big of a commitment to enjoy F1 from time to time.

How to fix: Make it Mario Kart.

These two are as simple as it gets when it comes to sports. Punch or kick your opponent until they either fall over or after so many rounds three other people say you punched the other guy better and then you win. The simplicity of the actual sport makes it so that there is no bullshit and it’s enjoyable to watch. No wonder Mayweather is the highest paid athlete in the world who can’t read his own checks. Boxing and MMA are pretty much the same but what vaults these sports ahead of the others in the ranking is the prefight drama that ensues. This alone is almost worth paying the 100$ to watch the fight (or just watch someone pretending to play it like a video game on Twitch) because you get to see someone with actual skin in the game beat the person that called their wife a whore on national television while it happens in the MGM Grand and not outside of a Waffle House in Detriot.

How to fix: More trash talk. Be able to pay for the fight by actually going in a ring and fighting at your local gym. 75% discount if you go 3 rounds. If you last the whole time its free!

Tennis is hard to rank on this list because, on one hand, the sport comprises two of the simplest possible outcomes: the ball is or isn’t hit. On the other hand, the ball is flying at speeds and with different amounts of spin that it adds the variant to the game, but the sheer length of the game is what keeps it outside of the top ten. If the game wasn’t as long as a Game of Thrones season then maybe it could be actually watchable outside of SportsCenter. Also, the three biggest tournaments happen at 3 AM in America so there is no incentive to care about those.

How to fix: Only let doubles tennis be the way the game is played in international tournaments and one of the partners has to be either taller than 7'6 or shorter than 4'0. Also, screaming above 100 decibels is ok, but anything under that is strictly forbidden.

I don’t know anything about cricket, but everyone in India plays it and that’s like 1 billion people so it has to be kind of entertaining. Other than that its a ball and stick sport with no contact so it can’t be that entertaining.

How to fix: Change the name. Nothing is attractive about the name Cricket, and there are no insects involved so why even name it that.

Any sport that promotes spiking a ball as hard as possible directly into someone's face is worth watching. Volleyball benefits from having both a jumping component and uniforms for both genders are some of the most… how to put it… generously revealing? Anyway, it has an interesting scoring premise and isn’t terribly long so its worth a watch. I ranked it this low because it's the second biggest short shaming organization in the sporting world.

How to fix: Hitting the face is two points. Even if the face is of a person in the stands. Or a player on the sidelines. Or a coach. Or a ref. You get the idea.

What I imagine Handball being is like soccer with your hands and when I googled five minutes ago to double check if I was right I was both satisfied and upset. While it is soccer with hands, it lacks the speed and a dodgeball aspect that I thought it had. More throwing balls, less not throwing balls.

How to fix: Make it dodgeball.

The only reason this is so high is due to the number of people who watch it that would get mad at me for not placing their sport above fucking handball. Soccer is only good every four years where you can think about the joy of beating a country so bad that it inspires a generation of memes that will never be lived down. The scale of soccer is its greatest asset and without it, it becomes the game kids play at the local YMCA and get picked up in a Honda Odyssey by a mother seven months pregnant. The length of the game isn’t a negative aspect but it isn’t objectively what makes the game better. At least they can’t run advertisements in the middle stopping the flow of the game. Clocks that count up in sports are better than clocks that countdown (with a few exceptions).

How to fix: Make it Rocket League.

Imagine if Soccer, Hockey and Football had an incestuous baby and BOOM — it’s deformed lookin ass would be lacrosse. It claims to be “the fastest sport on two feet” and while that’s very close to the truth it misses out on that title by one spot (I’ll get to it later). Nevertheless, it doesn’t have the same contact rules as football and in the men’s game you can absolutely murder your opponents and it’s completely legal. In fact, I’m pretty sure there are less reported concussions but that could be just because the players are already drunk before they play after pregaming on daddy’s yacht that they lack the brain power that distinguishes being concussed and not being concussed. The scoring comes fast, and the ball is incredibly manipulated at times that it makes you wonder if there aren’t two balls in play at once. Lacrosse gets edged out of the top 5 because in order to even understand the rules you would have to talk to a second-year fraternity member for longer than five minutes and that just sounds like hell.

How to fix: Referees get sticks and get to hit players.

A staple in the rotation of sports at local Buffalo Wild Wings, Hockey comes in pretty high because of the way it combines aspects of sports previously mentioned but then says “wait you play on grass?” and proceeds to fucking slam into each other with their bodies on ICE. A requirement for playing this sport is you have to be missing at least one teeth or legally become a pirate. One of the two. There is nothing bad about hockey: Action packed periods that are relatively well-timed, a good game flow and pace, and an exciting scoring aspect that makes tie games worth watching all lead to a good game. The problem lies in the amount of hockey one human can watch before seeing every possible thing that can be done in a hockey rink. And trust me, it doesn’t take that long to reach that point.

How to fix: Instead of going into the penalty box after committing a foul, players have the option to take off all their pads and continue playing for the remainder of their penalty time. The more severe the penalty, the more pads come off.

A staple across college campuses and elitist northeastern summer camps everywhere, frisbee had long been seen as past time and not a sport. You either throw it and it goes 30 feet the opposite direction before rolling an additional 20 feet in a circle as you yell some combination of “My bad” and “Next time” or you can beam that disc straight into a tree. It wasn’t until enough football walk-ons in college got bullied that they decided to hone the art that is throwing a frisbee and by some miracle, they created one of the most entertaining sports available. The excitement of watching a well-placed disc arc around defenders and hover for 50 feet as a lanky 6’4 computer science major chases it down never gets old and is what makes the sport so damn fun to watch. The creativity in the throws combined with the big play opportunity football has wet dreams about leaves you on the edge of your seat IF (and that’s a big if) you watch the sport professionally. The opportunity to see high-level ultimate frisbee rarely presents itself which is why it isn’t higher up, but it’s accessibility and abstract nature make it a fresh alternative to mainstream sports.

How to fix: use the disc golf discs for kickoffs or allow for the offensive team to switch discs for a tactical advantage.

This is what football should have been. No bullshit that stops the game every ten minutes just pure throwing, running and kicking an oval ball for an hour or so. Rugby has the most interesting mechanic in its ladder catch (I can’t be bothered with the technical name) and it makes the down moments of the kicking actually interesting, unlike its American copycat.

Rugby players look exactly the same: 5’7 dudes who are built like German Panzers and have names like Gerald or Richie or Brodie and have buzz cuts or a tribal tattoo. Watching rugby is great because you have no clue what’s happening and when all the sudden the ball is placed on the ground and two meat triangles play reverse tug of war for it you can’t help but feel some sort of primal excitement inside of yourself. Rugby also comes with the greatest sporting chant ever in the Haka which is as beautiful as it is terrifying. If you give rugby a chance, odds are after a few halves you’ll be screaming, squatting and slapping your thighs just like the New Zealand All Blacks.

How to fix: Let American football players play and get destroyed.

Basketball is the best of the four major American sports leagues and has been gaining viewership like a leaked celebrity sex tape. The simple nature of the game (shoot the ball in the hoop) has allowed it to progress form baskets on poles in the 1920’s to the flashy hesi-pull-up jimbos that the league is now known for. This is the one sport I consider myself an avid fan of on this list but it isn’t because I watch every game or have a certain team that I root for because a player touched my hand from the walkout tunnel when I was 7: No. Instead, like Boxing and MMA, I really just care about the storylines and narratives that take place during and after the season. People widely consider NBA basketball to be an “11-month sport” because of the trade rumors, general manager antics, and utter chaos in free agency that happen when the sport isn’t being televised. The personalities and rivalries are at the core of playing this sport at a professional level and it’s what makes this sport deserve a spot so high up on my ranking. Even the collegiate level is extremely entertaining because every March you can lose 25$ to Carol in HR because her bracket that she made with only the teams that wore her favorite colors somehow got more points than your nerd PPR bracket you slaved away on for uncountable sleepless nights. The buzzer beaters, vicious acrobatic slams and ability for one player to put the team on their back and truly kick ass make this sport so diverse and entertaining that it should deserve the number one spot but there’s just one sport that beats it out and I can personally guarantee that you’ve never heard of it before right now.

How to fix: Get rid of the One-and-done rule.

Okay. Here it is. You ready?

Now hold on just a second — I can already hear you thinking about how you sat through this whole article and now are faced with some sort of cruel joke relating to puking but trust me — this is the greatest sport ever. I learned about it by wildly clicking through sporting articles on Wikipedia and I was blown away that I had never heard or seen it before in my life. Ever.

The sport is simple: There are two soccer sized goals with long football sized goalposts sticking up from the back of the net that can be used to score 5 or 1 points respectively. Each player has a stick and can catch the small, baseball-sized ball and carry it three steps before either dropping it, carrying it on their sticks or straight up tossing it and smacking it into the air like a self-pitched baseball hit combo. The game allows full contact and certain tackles are legal.

If you aren’t teeming with thoughts about you’ve been waiting your whole life to watch a sport like this you should be because it gets better. It’s only played in Ireland and Scotland. That means a bunch of meaty Catholics run around at top speeds hit balls at incredible velocities and tackle each other for 70 minutes. It’s the best sport and no one can convince me otherwise. The commentators are hilarious as well simultaneously confusing you about what is actually happening while providing a Mexican soccer commentators energy into nearly every play. If you haven’t stopped reading this article to check out this sport I suggest you do — it really is that good.

How to fix: How can you fix perfection?

So there it is. I would love to hear your thoughts but at the same time, I really don’t care at all. Thanks for reading.

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